Go To Hell George Lucas

Everyone knows that George Lucas has lost it. It's no secret that Lucas was in his Hollywood prime somewhere around the "Star Wars: A New Hope" era. And it's certainly not a secret that his career has only been heading downhill since then. Only "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Return of the Jedi" gave Lucas brief recalls of his original Star Wars glory days, not succumbing to ridiculous stories, nonsensical plot twist, and absolutely horrendous screenwriting. 

As odd of a legacy as Lucas has created for himself- one that is in a constant downward spiral to the the city sewers- nothing could prep me up for his latest piece of work. Nearly twenty years after the last film in the trilogy was released, George Lucas took it upon himself to make a fourth and final film in the Indiana Jones series.

And OMFG, what an epic fail.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released in May, 2008 and up until tonight I have heard nothing but negative criticism about the movie. In fact, the previews, reviews, and horrendous word of mouth was enough for me to take a vow of Crystal Skull abstinence. But tonight that vow was broken and all my greatest fears were confirmed. In the first five minutes the movie not only failed to make a good impression but automatically reeked of pungent, musky George Lucas-which is not a good thing.

I will spare my loyal readers from a full plot synopsis, but I will give you some of the highlights that made this movie something equivalent to Hitler, AIDS or even Hitler with AIDS.

• Aliens- I am surprised that I was surprised that George Lucas took the film in this direction. I mean seriously, it's in his blood. Not only was an alien based story the sign of a total lack of creativity and a typical fallback plot (like how LOST will probably end up being a big dream), but it was also an attempt by Lucas to be a complete douche bag and leave his unique mark all over his movie. It's the Hollywood equivalent of a cat peeing on a tree to mark it's territory.
• CG- Alternate title for the movie: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Bastardized Computer Graphics. I miss real explosions and real scenes- doesn't matter what type of scene. Just as long as it's not made in a computer program.
• Shia LeBouff- Or however the hell you spell his name.
• Nuclear Bomb- One of the opening scenes had Indiana Jones hide in a refrigerator to escape a nuclear blast several hundred feet away, then getting blown miles away and emerging unscratched. Oppenheimer is rolling in his grave...
• Shia LeBoof- A scene involving him swinging on vines with monkeys in a jungle during a dreadful car chase.
• 3 Waterfalls- Just one was bad enough...
• Shela Beoof- And every scene he was in.
• Giant man eating fireants, poison-dart blowing monkeymen, Russians, and the ability for bad guys to NEVER hit Indy with their guns...no matter how many guys are shooting at him or how close they are.
• The first hour of the movie.
• Shialabof
• Using a big snake a rope.
• The last hour of the movie.
• Especially the last 30 minutes of the movie- Holy %$#@ it was unbelievable that Paramount, Viacom, Spielberg, and the American public let that happen.
• Shia LaBeouf

This movie was dreadful. It had terrible screenwriting. It had a terrible plot. It had absolutely no substance. It had Shia. And worst of all it had aliens- crystal skull aliens. The magnitude of how bad this film was hit me when South Park devoted a whole episode entirely to "the raping of the Indiana Jones" series. An entire episode! Even so, South Park and my angered words will never be able to give Kingdom of the Crystal Skull the proper justice it so fully deserves. Only watching the movie can give a person the proper respect for how monumentally terrifying Lucas's work is. But in this rare case I recommend that no one views the film in any form and instead go home, tell your spouse and family that you love them, and then buy a years food supply because if Lucas strikes again we can be sure society will self-implode and Shia will resort to cannibalism.

Reporting astounded,

Chad

 

P.S. This movie is now the #1 worst movie I have ever seen. In fact, I now want to go see Twilight because I am convinced this movie will make every other film look amazing.