"One nation, under Diet Coke..."

Turn on the news right now and two things will happen. First, the middle-aged anchor lady will be wearing a second face made of make-up and be dressed like a cleavage-pushing, club-prowling cougar. Secondly, a story about some major event threatening to end humanity as we know it will be featured. But these are nothing new. It first started with the Russians, followed by Wal-Mart, then it was Global Warming after Sarah Palin, and now it's the bold and fresh Swine Flu.

Personally I think the biggest threat to humanity is the unregulated and ramped middle-aged women's addiction to Diet Coke. Right now, everyone one reading this (you included) could name more bored 40-year-old wives addicted to Diet Coke than you could count on two hands- that's ten. My mom is addicted. My friend's moms are addicted. Robert Pattinson is addicted to the stuff, proving that even Vampires have a second liquidy weak spot.

So much is heard about the many events that could end the world. What really should be feared, however, is Coca-Cola raising the price on their Diet line or discontinuing it all together. If this happened Earth would subsequently be crawling with angry, headache-laden zombie women who've forgotten what water is. So please, Coca-Cola, don't do that. Or my mom will eat my brains.

-- Chad Waite, Daily Derbi

P.S. This was a stupid blog. It had no point. Scroll down for a much better post.